bowling

Wednesday nights are reserved for community activities, but the last Wednesday of the month is always saved for Fun Night! We have had a variety of activities for fun night, but in January we switched it with prayer night and took advantage of some cheap bowling fun!!!

Diane has the best game face I think...

catch up

So it's been a while since I have posted some photos. So we will do a giant catch-up of photos that have been waiting to be set free. So here are a couple from Christmas. Garrett came home with me to Ohio where we spent a lot of time with a whole lot of people. Somehow the only pictures I came out of it were with him and my sister!

I went back to Denver shortly after Christmas, but my best friends from Chicago, Brianna, Jillian and Margaret came out for New Years! Margaret got all the photo on New Years but I grabbed a couple at this awesome tea/lunch shop place thing in Monument, where Brianna is from.

You get to pick out your own cup and saucer for your tea :-)

rant

I have pictures to post, I promise, that are more fun than my other musings. NYE, bowling, more interesting events than what I have been posting. Until that time comes, I have a bit of a rant. No conclusions here, just a rant.

I live in the 'new' house, and by 'new' I mean 'recently added site.' My bedroom door doesn't shut. It does a little if I lift it up and push really hard at the same time. There is a hole in the TV room window, the same window that has glass and a frame that come apart from one another when you open it. I have had bed bugs. I have had excessive spider bites on my feet and arms due to no screens in my bedroom window (and no AC). The dryer is broken. Many windows are painted shut. I am woken up at 5am by a man outside my (second story) window who is yelling and hiding from the police. The terrible windows in my house have no plastic over them to keep the heat from pouring out of them. The basement door is broken. The shelves in the refrigerator door today randomly just fell out onto the floor. The sidewalk on the north side of the house is frequented by strangers, although it's private property, mostly because there has been no gate put up or 'No Trespassing' sign posted. There have been homeless men who sleep under my back porch. Some windows have no way of being locked and can very easily be accessed from the outside. And when I just have had a bad day, I can't crack open a beer.

I try not to complain too openly. I try to keep everything in a place of perspective, and humor. At this point, when things randomly fall apart in my house I am not surprised. I figure in even 6 months everything will truly be hilarious. I can get past the whole 'dry house' situation, since at most it's an annoyance. I still have a roof over my head, I know my heat will not get shut off and the rent will be paid. I know that there will be food, plenty of it in fact. I will not be in need of the services I help offer at work any time soon. I am always cautious and aware of the neighborhood I live in, but I have never truly been afraid.

But sometimes I get a little tired. I have SO much compared to my clients and people I meet on the street, but I do get tired. I don't want to ask for a lot, but I feel plastic to cover terrible quality windows and a measly 'No Trespassing' sign isn't that much. I can deal with my door and my occasionally sketchy neighborhood. I wouldn't mention a lot of these things directly to my dad, but that's because he can really worry and I can't do anything to change my situation. I can HOPE that little things are taken care of, but if they aren't I have to keep on going. I can't make anyone do anything or have solutions magically appear. Sometimes I just want to feel okay about being frustrated.

half-way point

Here is an article I wrote for the CVV newsletter:

The half-way day of our year with CVV has come, and now August seems so long ago. Many times we have been asked the question ‘Why did you come to CVV?’ To be completely honest, I can hardly even remember anymore. I had thought about a year of service for the last year or two of college, and finding that the graduate programs I was interested in actually required it of me, it seemed like an easy decision. Most people came into this program with no specific plans for next year, and some people weren’t sure of what they wanted to do after CVV. At the time, it wasn’t a pressing matter. We’re half way through, now. It has definitely become a pressing matter.

Expectations from the beginning of the year seem much less applicable now. I had no expectation to learn as much about identification documents and birth certificates as I have. I had no expectation to find myself as part of a staff that cares so much about one another. What seems applicable now is what I actually have learned and how I actually have grown. I think that the difficulties in a year like this is finding that no matter what you learn and how much you grow, you don’t necessarily find yourself with any clearer answers as to what to do when it’s all finished come June. I have found myself in my first ‘real’ job, handling many difficult circumstances, and somehow groping my way through community and still landing on two, though not always steady, feet. I have encountered people who make me laugh, people who break my heart, people who both affirm and challenge me, and people who make me want to kick a hole through my office door while shouting expletives. I find myself having no clearer idea of what it is that God wants me to do with my life. I am still set to start graduate school in the fall, but beyond that I have no plans for what I will be doing. My time here at CVV has helped me decide that there are certain things I definitely do not want to do, but everything else is up in the air.

Questions are abounding, whether they’re about next year, jobs, school, relationships, marriage, traveling or anything else. The ‘right’ decision may not even exist, let alone be clear and easy to choose. As difficult as it is to remember the reasons I came here in August, it’s even more difficult to understand how and in what ways I am changing. I know I will be processing that for a long time to come. Despite questions and difficult challenges, I keep coming to the same conclusion: I will be okay. I am not where I expected to be after 5 months, and I am still okay. I have cried many times, and here I am, absolutely fine. Having faith that God is looking out for me through everything, and that every person I encounter will help me along in some way, keeps me looking forward. It’s halfway through the year. I am not sure where I am going or what I will be doing. I will be okay.

unconditional

I cried the night before I came back to Colorado. I don't hate my life here. I wasn't dreading coming back. I was just completely overwhelmed by having to leave home again. I love home, but I am not even that much of a homebody, considering I keep moving to places not near Ohio. But I just could not help but feel deeply sad to the point that I couldn't stop crying for a while. My tears were not a reflection on my feelings towards my life and relationships in Colorado, but on my feelings towards everyone I have at home.

This Christmas felt a little bit emotional for me, more so than usual. My aunt was leading a prayer/toast thing before we all (million of us) sat down to eat on Christmas day, and pointed out how different things had been a year ago, and how much of that changed we didn't expect. Most of us anticipated my brother would get engaged, but few of us probably anticipated my cousin getting engaged. Absolutely no one anticipated that shortly after getting engaged my brother would be diagnosed with Hodgkins, and that he would fight it like hell and be in full remission come Christmas. I never forget how much I love all of my family, but it was one of those moments when I felt most grateful. To really witness how much we continue to love and celebrate one another.

I was able to reconnect with a lot of friends over Christmas too. Some who I keep in close contact with, and some that I haven't been able to keep up with quite as well. Some of them I hadn't seen in months, since I left for Denver, and with some it had been even longer. The greatest joy I felt in being with them was that regardless of how well I had kept up with them, coming back meant comfortably fitting in next to them. It's kind of like having a table reserved all the time and no matter how long any of us is away, there is always a spot for us when we come back. It almost doesn't seem to matter how much changes. Even as we're sitting in a booth in a restaurant discussing moving in with boyfriends and friends getting married and graduate school and jobs and having 'real' lives, I see how much we've changed, and yet how much I love each one of them is still the same. And never once do I doubt that they love me just as much. Differences aren't met with skepticism but with loving acceptance.

All the while, I am sharing many of these moments with someone who, more and more, I feel certain I want to share my life with. Someone who will just hold me when I can't help crying over leaving him and my many other loved ones. How can that not be overwhelming? It was like Christmas was just crammed with love and affirmation, not in a way that I hadn't had before, just that I hadn't noticed quite as much. I wasn't dreading returning to my community in Colorado, I was just dreading leaving people who I felt like I'd forgotten that I loved as much as I do.

My community and life here in Colorado are wonderful. But there isn't that deep assurance that they will love me no matter what. I know they care for me, but unconditional love is different. I know I am working on loving them as unconditionally as possible, and I intend to learn to love better and better. I just can't help but love, appreciate and miss all the people who I know will keep loving me as much as I love them.

good intentions?

Here is a link to an address given by Ivan Illich to a group about to go on a 'mission trip': To Hell with Good Intentions. (Helpful to read before continuing with this post)

Essentially this address was presented to myself and my community almost word for word by a man we had not met before, and was presented as his own ideas. Several things were changed and adjusted to make it more directly applicable to our situation as full-time volunteers. A few people had heard it before, and I was not unfamiliar with the argument, having read an article where these ideas were applied as Illich originally intended, to 'mission trips'. I was not quite as taken aback. Some people were caught a little more off guard than others, and it definitely showed.

Not surprisingly, this launched all of us into a rather intense discussion. Some people were more emotionally reactive, and others were a little more contemplative in their responses. At times, people even walked out of the room out of frustration. Responses were all over the place. Most of us posed questions to the presenter to challenge what he was saying to us (that essentially we had no business being here and doing what we were doing, that our work is insulting and offensive to the poor).

I had trouble getting around the idea of staying in our own communities and how the term 'volunteer' actually applied to us when we were working alongside staff in our agencies with the same hours and similar responsibilities. I am not here (in CVV) to 'fix' anything or to 'save' anyone. At best, I can offer some help. I have been provided the resources to help tackle barriers that keep people in poverty, and do what I can to help provide those. Being able to provide $10.50 for a replacement ID or $70 for an expedited birth certificate can mean a whole lot. It's difficult to get a job or a place to live without a birth certificate. But I am merely offering a tool. I am not saying I can save anyone with this. Because I can't. I am simply a mediator between clients and funding because I happen to be a part of the Colorado ID Project and I can tell you off the cuff what you need for what states to get a birth certificate. When I am helping with food distribution I am merely the middle man between groceries that otherwise would be thrown away (literally, we get thousands of pounds of 'grocery rescue' each week) and people who wouldn't otherwise have access to fresh food (produce, bread).

A lot of us had difficulty grappling with the argument about not having a right to do what we were doing because we should stick to our own communities, especially in terms of leaving the 'poor' to help themselves. The varied backgrounds of CVVs makes it difficult to pigeon hole us into one category. Some people grew up as what some may consider 'poor' even if they wouldn't consider themselves that way. I know I didn't grow up anywhere near something that someone might consider 'poor.' But that doesn't mean that those who were given different or fewer opportunities than I can't ever be considered a part of my community. There is a huge housing complex going up across the street from my house that many of our client's will be moving into in the next month or so. I am not sure how there isn't a whole lot of gray area in that situation. Granted, we may not be over there every day becoming best friends with all of our clients. But I don't know what more you need to be considered 'neighbors.' We don't have a whole lot on our street, so they are all we really have in terms of neighbors and other people on the street. We may not be on a housing waiting list and in the same situations as our clients currently, but I think there is a great importance in crossing lines and growing together. Avoiding people because they are 'different' in some categorize-able way seems ridiculous to me. And judgmental. Community lines aren't always clear. Many of our clients have been well-to-do or 'middle class' for most of their lives but have found themselves in much more desperate situations as a result of the economy. Rich and poor are odd terms that mix and match more often than not. In our situation at CVV I think the lines are blurred and crazily drawn. We may not be a part of the communities we serve but we certainly aren't completely separate either.

I think the most difficult challenge that Illich's argument poses is how I consider myself and the work that I do. Do I pat myself on the back for being a 'do-gooder'? Do I present myself as a 'good person' to my family and friends? I think the argument poses a challenge of humility more than anything else. I am not better than the rich or the poor. I don't even necessarily know how to define the terms 'rich' and 'poor' anymore. I think that the work I do is important because it's made clear to me all the time by clients that no one wants to be 'poor' and to have to go and ask for help. And for many people being able to get an ID or actually have food that isn't canned, or to have just a few more cans of food means the rest of the week might be okay. I'm not solving anyones problems by a long shot. And I can't think highly of myself because I choose to work in a non-profit. I don't have to worry about paying bills, and even though I have little spending money, I have a huge house, my own room, and no worries that there will not be food in my fridge. By no means is my year of 'simplicity' a year of poverty. No cable or Internet for the year? Not poverty. I have heat. and a TV room with comfy couches. And a market that gives us free food once a week. Really, I am not giving up much at all this year. I think Illich has helped me remember that I am one simple person. I could truthfully be doing so much more than I am. Just because it looks 'difficult' and 'simple' in comparison to some other ways of life doesn't make me great and special. I just chose something more unconventional. That's all.

In the end they (the presenter and our staff members) revealed that this was an act, that the presenter didn't actually believe anything that he was saying to us. He was reading it as a way to present the argument to us. A lot of people were upset by the deception. They had felt personally attacked in several ways. I did not feel personally attacked and appreciated that different way of approaching the topic. I think it's important to be able to engage with someone instead of just reading an article where you may not be forced to really answer the challenge, whereas when a relationship is established, regardless of the nature of that relationship, the challenge is much more direct and difficult to ignore. I appreciated feeling like I really had to face the questions that were posed. What I didn't appreciate as much was that it seemed like that staff had expectations of our reactions. That is was 'good' that some of us got fired up. Why should we get fired up? What if we are truly struggling with the argument? It was presented to us with the staff intending us to think more about 'why we are here.' I couldn't help but thinking that it was the wrong question. Is my being here really about me? Is that the most important question I should be asking? Why is no one asking me what else I could do? Or how are my actions not necessarily ideal? It should not be about me and what I want and what I think all the time. My intentions and my needs seem to be prioritized over what should be asked of me by God and by the marginalized. I think it's important to reflect on my time and my intentions but it felt like the whole question just came back to me and what I wanted. I think that worrying about the specifics of my intentions is not what I need to worry about. Why are the poor here? Why is there is a need for so many agencies to provide help? Why is TANF not adhering to a 30-day processing period? I don't think it's just about your intentions but about what questions are being asked and why they're being asked.

christmas tiiime is heeere

Well, maybe Christmas time has arrived. As far as the calendar is concerned, Christmas is two weeks away. Yet the Colorado weather begs to differ. It has been in the fifties all week. I was heading from an outreach event back to the office on Wednesday and had to unbutton my coat and STILL I was sweating. Nothing like the cold and snow I have been hearing about (and pining for) from my loved ones in the Midwest. Two weeks 'til I'm back in my beloved Ohio. Less than. Bring on the snow!

My roommate works with Archdiocesan Housing here in Denver, and found someone to donate a Christmas tree to us! At first it did not seem like we would be getting a tree so I was feeling quite Grinch-y, but we all came together and had maybe a little TOO much fun putting it up together J

Putting together the tree was pretty great, I won't lie. Made our house feel much more homey. But all that Christmas spirit definitely started going to our heads just a little bit… And maybe we got just a little bit silly…

And then we decided that everyone needed to practice for The Nutcracker!

We discovered that among all the ornaments and such were a whole lot of bows. So some of them ended up on the tree, and some of them ended up on us!

Angela and I took this as a golden opportunity ot look as much like one of the Whos as possible!

But noy only did all of the girls have hair long enough for the bows, so did the boys!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AT COHO!