half-way point

Here is an article I wrote for the CVV newsletter:

The half-way day of our year with CVV has come, and now August seems so long ago. Many times we have been asked the question ‘Why did you come to CVV?’ To be completely honest, I can hardly even remember anymore. I had thought about a year of service for the last year or two of college, and finding that the graduate programs I was interested in actually required it of me, it seemed like an easy decision. Most people came into this program with no specific plans for next year, and some people weren’t sure of what they wanted to do after CVV. At the time, it wasn’t a pressing matter. We’re half way through, now. It has definitely become a pressing matter.

Expectations from the beginning of the year seem much less applicable now. I had no expectation to learn as much about identification documents and birth certificates as I have. I had no expectation to find myself as part of a staff that cares so much about one another. What seems applicable now is what I actually have learned and how I actually have grown. I think that the difficulties in a year like this is finding that no matter what you learn and how much you grow, you don’t necessarily find yourself with any clearer answers as to what to do when it’s all finished come June. I have found myself in my first ‘real’ job, handling many difficult circumstances, and somehow groping my way through community and still landing on two, though not always steady, feet. I have encountered people who make me laugh, people who break my heart, people who both affirm and challenge me, and people who make me want to kick a hole through my office door while shouting expletives. I find myself having no clearer idea of what it is that God wants me to do with my life. I am still set to start graduate school in the fall, but beyond that I have no plans for what I will be doing. My time here at CVV has helped me decide that there are certain things I definitely do not want to do, but everything else is up in the air.

Questions are abounding, whether they’re about next year, jobs, school, relationships, marriage, traveling or anything else. The ‘right’ decision may not even exist, let alone be clear and easy to choose. As difficult as it is to remember the reasons I came here in August, it’s even more difficult to understand how and in what ways I am changing. I know I will be processing that for a long time to come. Despite questions and difficult challenges, I keep coming to the same conclusion: I will be okay. I am not where I expected to be after 5 months, and I am still okay. I have cried many times, and here I am, absolutely fine. Having faith that God is looking out for me through everything, and that every person I encounter will help me along in some way, keeps me looking forward. It’s halfway through the year. I am not sure where I am going or what I will be doing. I will be okay.