unconditional

I cried the night before I came back to Colorado. I don't hate my life here. I wasn't dreading coming back. I was just completely overwhelmed by having to leave home again. I love home, but I am not even that much of a homebody, considering I keep moving to places not near Ohio. But I just could not help but feel deeply sad to the point that I couldn't stop crying for a while. My tears were not a reflection on my feelings towards my life and relationships in Colorado, but on my feelings towards everyone I have at home.

This Christmas felt a little bit emotional for me, more so than usual. My aunt was leading a prayer/toast thing before we all (million of us) sat down to eat on Christmas day, and pointed out how different things had been a year ago, and how much of that changed we didn't expect. Most of us anticipated my brother would get engaged, but few of us probably anticipated my cousin getting engaged. Absolutely no one anticipated that shortly after getting engaged my brother would be diagnosed with Hodgkins, and that he would fight it like hell and be in full remission come Christmas. I never forget how much I love all of my family, but it was one of those moments when I felt most grateful. To really witness how much we continue to love and celebrate one another.

I was able to reconnect with a lot of friends over Christmas too. Some who I keep in close contact with, and some that I haven't been able to keep up with quite as well. Some of them I hadn't seen in months, since I left for Denver, and with some it had been even longer. The greatest joy I felt in being with them was that regardless of how well I had kept up with them, coming back meant comfortably fitting in next to them. It's kind of like having a table reserved all the time and no matter how long any of us is away, there is always a spot for us when we come back. It almost doesn't seem to matter how much changes. Even as we're sitting in a booth in a restaurant discussing moving in with boyfriends and friends getting married and graduate school and jobs and having 'real' lives, I see how much we've changed, and yet how much I love each one of them is still the same. And never once do I doubt that they love me just as much. Differences aren't met with skepticism but with loving acceptance.

All the while, I am sharing many of these moments with someone who, more and more, I feel certain I want to share my life with. Someone who will just hold me when I can't help crying over leaving him and my many other loved ones. How can that not be overwhelming? It was like Christmas was just crammed with love and affirmation, not in a way that I hadn't had before, just that I hadn't noticed quite as much. I wasn't dreading returning to my community in Colorado, I was just dreading leaving people who I felt like I'd forgotten that I loved as much as I do.

My community and life here in Colorado are wonderful. But there isn't that deep assurance that they will love me no matter what. I know they care for me, but unconditional love is different. I know I am working on loving them as unconditionally as possible, and I intend to learn to love better and better. I just can't help but love, appreciate and miss all the people who I know will keep loving me as much as I love them.