rant

I have pictures to post, I promise, that are more fun than my other musings. NYE, bowling, more interesting events than what I have been posting. Until that time comes, I have a bit of a rant. No conclusions here, just a rant.

I live in the 'new' house, and by 'new' I mean 'recently added site.' My bedroom door doesn't shut. It does a little if I lift it up and push really hard at the same time. There is a hole in the TV room window, the same window that has glass and a frame that come apart from one another when you open it. I have had bed bugs. I have had excessive spider bites on my feet and arms due to no screens in my bedroom window (and no AC). The dryer is broken. Many windows are painted shut. I am woken up at 5am by a man outside my (second story) window who is yelling and hiding from the police. The terrible windows in my house have no plastic over them to keep the heat from pouring out of them. The basement door is broken. The shelves in the refrigerator door today randomly just fell out onto the floor. The sidewalk on the north side of the house is frequented by strangers, although it's private property, mostly because there has been no gate put up or 'No Trespassing' sign posted. There have been homeless men who sleep under my back porch. Some windows have no way of being locked and can very easily be accessed from the outside. And when I just have had a bad day, I can't crack open a beer.

I try not to complain too openly. I try to keep everything in a place of perspective, and humor. At this point, when things randomly fall apart in my house I am not surprised. I figure in even 6 months everything will truly be hilarious. I can get past the whole 'dry house' situation, since at most it's an annoyance. I still have a roof over my head, I know my heat will not get shut off and the rent will be paid. I know that there will be food, plenty of it in fact. I will not be in need of the services I help offer at work any time soon. I am always cautious and aware of the neighborhood I live in, but I have never truly been afraid.

But sometimes I get a little tired. I have SO much compared to my clients and people I meet on the street, but I do get tired. I don't want to ask for a lot, but I feel plastic to cover terrible quality windows and a measly 'No Trespassing' sign isn't that much. I can deal with my door and my occasionally sketchy neighborhood. I wouldn't mention a lot of these things directly to my dad, but that's because he can really worry and I can't do anything to change my situation. I can HOPE that little things are taken care of, but if they aren't I have to keep on going. I can't make anyone do anything or have solutions magically appear. Sometimes I just want to feel okay about being frustrated.

half-way point

Here is an article I wrote for the CVV newsletter:

The half-way day of our year with CVV has come, and now August seems so long ago. Many times we have been asked the question ‘Why did you come to CVV?’ To be completely honest, I can hardly even remember anymore. I had thought about a year of service for the last year or two of college, and finding that the graduate programs I was interested in actually required it of me, it seemed like an easy decision. Most people came into this program with no specific plans for next year, and some people weren’t sure of what they wanted to do after CVV. At the time, it wasn’t a pressing matter. We’re half way through, now. It has definitely become a pressing matter.

Expectations from the beginning of the year seem much less applicable now. I had no expectation to learn as much about identification documents and birth certificates as I have. I had no expectation to find myself as part of a staff that cares so much about one another. What seems applicable now is what I actually have learned and how I actually have grown. I think that the difficulties in a year like this is finding that no matter what you learn and how much you grow, you don’t necessarily find yourself with any clearer answers as to what to do when it’s all finished come June. I have found myself in my first ‘real’ job, handling many difficult circumstances, and somehow groping my way through community and still landing on two, though not always steady, feet. I have encountered people who make me laugh, people who break my heart, people who both affirm and challenge me, and people who make me want to kick a hole through my office door while shouting expletives. I find myself having no clearer idea of what it is that God wants me to do with my life. I am still set to start graduate school in the fall, but beyond that I have no plans for what I will be doing. My time here at CVV has helped me decide that there are certain things I definitely do not want to do, but everything else is up in the air.

Questions are abounding, whether they’re about next year, jobs, school, relationships, marriage, traveling or anything else. The ‘right’ decision may not even exist, let alone be clear and easy to choose. As difficult as it is to remember the reasons I came here in August, it’s even more difficult to understand how and in what ways I am changing. I know I will be processing that for a long time to come. Despite questions and difficult challenges, I keep coming to the same conclusion: I will be okay. I am not where I expected to be after 5 months, and I am still okay. I have cried many times, and here I am, absolutely fine. Having faith that God is looking out for me through everything, and that every person I encounter will help me along in some way, keeps me looking forward. It’s halfway through the year. I am not sure where I am going or what I will be doing. I will be okay.

unconditional

I cried the night before I came back to Colorado. I don't hate my life here. I wasn't dreading coming back. I was just completely overwhelmed by having to leave home again. I love home, but I am not even that much of a homebody, considering I keep moving to places not near Ohio. But I just could not help but feel deeply sad to the point that I couldn't stop crying for a while. My tears were not a reflection on my feelings towards my life and relationships in Colorado, but on my feelings towards everyone I have at home.

This Christmas felt a little bit emotional for me, more so than usual. My aunt was leading a prayer/toast thing before we all (million of us) sat down to eat on Christmas day, and pointed out how different things had been a year ago, and how much of that changed we didn't expect. Most of us anticipated my brother would get engaged, but few of us probably anticipated my cousin getting engaged. Absolutely no one anticipated that shortly after getting engaged my brother would be diagnosed with Hodgkins, and that he would fight it like hell and be in full remission come Christmas. I never forget how much I love all of my family, but it was one of those moments when I felt most grateful. To really witness how much we continue to love and celebrate one another.

I was able to reconnect with a lot of friends over Christmas too. Some who I keep in close contact with, and some that I haven't been able to keep up with quite as well. Some of them I hadn't seen in months, since I left for Denver, and with some it had been even longer. The greatest joy I felt in being with them was that regardless of how well I had kept up with them, coming back meant comfortably fitting in next to them. It's kind of like having a table reserved all the time and no matter how long any of us is away, there is always a spot for us when we come back. It almost doesn't seem to matter how much changes. Even as we're sitting in a booth in a restaurant discussing moving in with boyfriends and friends getting married and graduate school and jobs and having 'real' lives, I see how much we've changed, and yet how much I love each one of them is still the same. And never once do I doubt that they love me just as much. Differences aren't met with skepticism but with loving acceptance.

All the while, I am sharing many of these moments with someone who, more and more, I feel certain I want to share my life with. Someone who will just hold me when I can't help crying over leaving him and my many other loved ones. How can that not be overwhelming? It was like Christmas was just crammed with love and affirmation, not in a way that I hadn't had before, just that I hadn't noticed quite as much. I wasn't dreading returning to my community in Colorado, I was just dreading leaving people who I felt like I'd forgotten that I loved as much as I do.

My community and life here in Colorado are wonderful. But there isn't that deep assurance that they will love me no matter what. I know they care for me, but unconditional love is different. I know I am working on loving them as unconditionally as possible, and I intend to learn to love better and better. I just can't help but love, appreciate and miss all the people who I know will keep loving me as much as I love them.