burning

Last week we had a staff day away. It was a wonderful break, and a wonderful chance for all the staff (most of us having joined within the last year) to get to know each other better. It was incredibly encouraging and reaffirming to see that the people are work with are committed and passionate, yet still realistic about a lot of the difficulties of working in such a field. At one point it was mentioned that the average time one spends working in non-profits is about 2 years. If I last this year (which I will) I am halfway to average. That's so crazy to me. Two years??? But when I spend a lot more time thinking about it, it begins to make more sense.

I love my job. I really do. I love my coworkers, I love (most) of our volunteers, and (many of) our clients. Most clients aren't problematic. But then you do have some who can just make your day more difficult. I never really know how people will react when I tell them that we are out of funding for bus fares until the first of October, or that calling in over and over and over with no result on Tuesday afternoons is the only way to get an appointment for utilities assistance. Even when clients react angrily, curse at me, blame me (or my other coworkers) I still can't do anything and I still have to say no. I imagine that the saying no and being able to do nothing is the most exhausting part of most non-profits. I had to tell a client over the phone that unfortunately she is no longer welcome at Metro CareRing. Part of me felt slightly relieved that she wouldn't be coming back, because she was a real handful and incredibly difficult to reason with. Part of me felt that even though no one else in Denver in the past six years has seemed to be able to help her, saying no to her wasn't the right thing to do. Balance is difficult to maintain. We want to be able to help as many people as possible, but we have to be consistent in order to maintain what we do.

When my thoughts head in this direction, the two year average makes more sense. But that two year average is something I am afraid of. I had heard before that various vocations can lead to burning out quickly. I know human beings are only capable of so much, but I want to believe so deeply that I am capable of more. I want to burn brighter instead of burning out. All of my thoughts on this, and the reminder of the difficulty of what I am doing and may be doing in the future, has strengthened my intent to go to Boston College next year and to get as much out of my year in Denver as possible. I have four years to work as much as I can on fueling my own fire and the fires of those around me. Many people know that law school has been a floating possibility for me. I have had several people suggest a dual degree program, an MDiv/JD. While in terms of not being in school forever that is extremely appealing, my fear of burning out pushes me to wait. I want to spend 3 years focusing on WHY it is that I would go into law and not just do it to get it done. I want to strengthen my resolve as much as possible. Maybe it won't be law school in the end, but I can still develop my understanding of my vocation and my understanding of doing God's work (whatever that may be). Being here in Denver and being a part of my communities at CVV and Metro CareRing have reassured me that more than anything else I need to surround myself with people who are dedicated, passionate and want to keep on burning.

My name means 'light.' My mother bought me a necklace when I was young that said "shining one" on it, along with my name. Funny enough, the image of light and burning has become a very consistent part of my spirituality. Maybe by pure chance I was given a name that reflects a calling to continue to burn brighter and to continue to shine.

before you were formed in the womb I knew you, before you born I consecrated, made you for a sacred purpose -jeremiah 1:5