burning

Last week we had a staff day away. It was a wonderful break, and a wonderful chance for all the staff (most of us having joined within the last year) to get to know each other better. It was incredibly encouraging and reaffirming to see that the people are work with are committed and passionate, yet still realistic about a lot of the difficulties of working in such a field. At one point it was mentioned that the average time one spends working in non-profits is about 2 years. If I last this year (which I will) I am halfway to average. That's so crazy to me. Two years??? But when I spend a lot more time thinking about it, it begins to make more sense.

I love my job. I really do. I love my coworkers, I love (most) of our volunteers, and (many of) our clients. Most clients aren't problematic. But then you do have some who can just make your day more difficult. I never really know how people will react when I tell them that we are out of funding for bus fares until the first of October, or that calling in over and over and over with no result on Tuesday afternoons is the only way to get an appointment for utilities assistance. Even when clients react angrily, curse at me, blame me (or my other coworkers) I still can't do anything and I still have to say no. I imagine that the saying no and being able to do nothing is the most exhausting part of most non-profits. I had to tell a client over the phone that unfortunately she is no longer welcome at Metro CareRing. Part of me felt slightly relieved that she wouldn't be coming back, because she was a real handful and incredibly difficult to reason with. Part of me felt that even though no one else in Denver in the past six years has seemed to be able to help her, saying no to her wasn't the right thing to do. Balance is difficult to maintain. We want to be able to help as many people as possible, but we have to be consistent in order to maintain what we do.

When my thoughts head in this direction, the two year average makes more sense. But that two year average is something I am afraid of. I had heard before that various vocations can lead to burning out quickly. I know human beings are only capable of so much, but I want to believe so deeply that I am capable of more. I want to burn brighter instead of burning out. All of my thoughts on this, and the reminder of the difficulty of what I am doing and may be doing in the future, has strengthened my intent to go to Boston College next year and to get as much out of my year in Denver as possible. I have four years to work as much as I can on fueling my own fire and the fires of those around me. Many people know that law school has been a floating possibility for me. I have had several people suggest a dual degree program, an MDiv/JD. While in terms of not being in school forever that is extremely appealing, my fear of burning out pushes me to wait. I want to spend 3 years focusing on WHY it is that I would go into law and not just do it to get it done. I want to strengthen my resolve as much as possible. Maybe it won't be law school in the end, but I can still develop my understanding of my vocation and my understanding of doing God's work (whatever that may be). Being here in Denver and being a part of my communities at CVV and Metro CareRing have reassured me that more than anything else I need to surround myself with people who are dedicated, passionate and want to keep on burning.

My name means 'light.' My mother bought me a necklace when I was young that said "shining one" on it, along with my name. Funny enough, the image of light and burning has become a very consistent part of my spirituality. Maybe by pure chance I was given a name that reflects a calling to continue to burn brighter and to continue to shine.

before you were formed in the womb I knew you, before you born I consecrated, made you for a sacred purpose -jeremiah 1:5

summoned

The past few weeks have involved a little bit of church hopping. Being in a new place means finding your place, and part of that journey for me involves finding a church that doesn't make me feel awkward and unfamiliar. The experience of worship is different for every person, so finding worship that feels like home can be tricky. This morning I biked down to St. Elizabeth of Hungary with a roommate to try out the Mass there. My prayer mom is a parishioner there as are the directors of CVV. Without going into detail, I will say that I liked it a lot and would be very happy going back.

One of the songs that they chose for Mass today was "The Summons." This song was a big part of my life that last time that I lived in community when I was a sophomore at DePaul. Every time I hear it, the lyrics challenge me. I can't just listen to it and sing my way through it without pausing at various parts of the song to contemplate a little bit. The song is made up almost entirely of questions, and honestly answering each of those questions is not always easy. I thought I might share a few of my reflections on this here.

"Will you risk the hostile stare should your life attract or scare?"

I keep hearing that what I am doing is 'counter-cultural.' That is a nice way of saying 'a lot of people are going to think that what you're doing (ie CVV) is weird.' Which is not always the easiest thing to deal with. Even when I started living in community back at DePaul, my family had a lot of questions about what I was doing. The word 'commune' was thrown around more than once, and even more common than that was 'convent.' Clearly, having faith-based convictions means that you are going into religious life and you automatically fit into a stereotype of someone who never does anything wrong because they have an active faith life. There are times when I wonder whether or not there are people who would be more comfortable if I actually did fit their stereotypes instead of what it actually means for me. Following my faith into a year of 'service' in Denver is not any indication that I have anything figured out and that I am 100% steadfast in my faith or that I have the answers when it comes to questions of injustice. If anything, I am just filled with more and more questions. Why are so many people hungry? Why am I not more uncomfortable with that fact that my lifestyle is not challenging? Why is it so many people don't have the resources to even pay rent? Why is it so easy for me to just judge al of the clients I meet at work? I would swear that so many of those questions just sit on top of my skin and are visible to everyone around me. I can't pretend that this isn't the way my life works. I have been at a bar or some other social place and been asked what I do. "A year of volunteering, kind of like AmeriCorps' gets the least reaction. "Living in community where everyone is involved in direct service and the program has a strong formation component" gets odd reactions and prevents people from inquiring further, most of the time. It's not so much a hostile stare as it is an awkward stare. Mentioning going to school for my MDiv? Instant conversation killer. Luckily, I am not too concerned with making friends in bars. I have been beyond blessed with the people in my life. My family is supportive (not always on the same page, but supportive). My friends and my boyfriend are so good to me it's unreal. And I am coming home to a community every night that may be in conflict, but we are all in the same boat. But leaving my community or those around me who know me and aren't afraid of me and my choices is always a scary reality. I am always risking a hostile stare. I have received them on several occasions. But I keep making my choices based on faith, as best as I can. I still make poor choices, but I am not going to head in a new direction any time soon. All the hostile stares in the world don't make up for the fact that I keep getting to come home to people who love me and my choices.

"Will you kiss the leper clean and do such as this unseen?"

This is definitely a part that I struggle a little bit more with. Lepers are the one of the ultimate marginalized communities. They were put on entire islands so that no one else had to be near them. I have heard the word 'marginalized' a lot. Layman's terms: groups people that the are generally ignored, judged, and dismissed.

To kiss someone clean? How beautifully intimate an image. It is the intimate interactions that have the greatest power to heal and to convey love and compassion. To draw near to another person who is shunned by so many others? Lovely. Human beings are made for relationships, designed to touch and be touched. If you are a marginalized person, how often are you hugged, let alone even touched briefly, say on the arm? How many physical touches are received by marginalized people that are not in violence? Touch is so powerful. It can take or give life. It can both comfort and wound. The entire surface of our bodies are intended to facilitate touch. And yet so often so choose to stay in our own bubbles, and not share kind touches.

This all presents a great struggle to me because I generally speaking do not have issues in expressing physical affection. Anyone who knows me well knows that going for long periods of time (say, 10 minutes?) without some kind of physical affection makes me uncomfortable. My discomfort with all of this is: How do you take an action such as reaching out with physical compassion, and when its met by the great discomfort of others, not turn it into a situation of receiving some kind of affirmation for it? How does one continue in 'service' and not ever have a moment of wanting some kind of attention for it? It's not even necessarily an active thought. "Oh, if I do ___________ people will think I'm a really good person." I suppose it may be more so asking the question "Does doing this really make me a good person?" and looking for someone else to provide an affirmative response. Not necessarily a question that is always asked out loud. There is still often a need that I have to be affirmed in my choices and my decisions. A need to be seen, to some degree. How much more would my decisions mean if no one knew about them? If I proceeded silently in my choices? What is the real reason for sharing my life out loud, and what is the real motivation when I stay silent? I don't believe I am some kind of terrible person. But I have to be honest and admit that if asked to touch a leper, let alone kiss them, I have absolutely no idea what I would do.

fish??

Participating in simple living can very often mean not going out and finding other ways to occupy one's time. Fortunately, it can mean learning a lot of new things. This weekend we were lucky enough to be able to learn out to make our own sushi!!!!

Lots of yummy yummy shrimp waiting to be made into yummy yummy sushi...

One of the CVVs Haley has quite the fella for a boyfriend. Clayton lives in Denver and was kind enough to come over and bring all the goodies (we chipped in to pay him back) and share his sushi-making skills!

Lianne is making sushi with shrimp, cream cheese, and bell peppers. Tip: freezing the cream cheese makes it easier to work with.

Captivated, obviously...

Since I am clearly not the sit back and watch type, I jumped in as soon as I could. I decided to go with salmon, scallions, cucumber and some crunchy tempura (because who doesn't love crunchy stuff??)

I decided to go with the avocado on top, just for fun!

Here is the final product!! Mine is snugly set next to Heidi's creation (which involved some delicious sriracha aioli). Tip: When you are putting something on top (fish, avocado, etc), wrap the roll in saran wrap and then cut it to help get a cleaner cut

Tom is not a sushi eater. So while we all had a blast making our own sushi, he had a blast watching us while eating a PB&J!!

In order that he not be left out, we decided to make him some PB&J sushi style:

Here is the WONDERFUL chef who taught us so well and his lovely lady!!!

THANKS CLAYTON AND HALEY!!

root root root for the Rooooockies!

There can be a lot of upsides to working at a non-profit agency. One of them being that occasionally free stuff comes along. This time, free stuff came along in the form of Rockies tickets!!!Apparently every time there is a home run... FOUNTAINS!! I think there should be fountains at more special events. Fountains are pretty special.

Even with a meager monthly stipend, getting ballpark food is totally worth. Footlong brat with sauerkraut peppers and onions? I'll give you my whole stipend.

It cracks me up that you can see the Rockies when you're watching the Rockies! As much as I deeply deeply love Ohio sports, we don't have a mountain view from any of our stadiums (just corn).

storming

We have been talking a lot about the phases of group process/living in community. Having lived in an intentional community, I have definitely experienced this before. Having watched two communities after my own go through a similar cycle, I was anticipating a general flow of growth here. We talked about four stages: Forming, Storming, Norming, and Performing. Forming is kind of like the honeymoon period, Storming is when the honeymoon is over and things 'get real.' Norming is when things settle in and you are really starting to form as a community. Performing is the hardest to get to, because its really when you are truly bringing out the best in one another as a community and truly acting as a community.

I anticipated the Forming stage. We are all still getting to know each other, everyone is playing nice. I think that having some kind of significant Forming stage is important because otherwise the Storming stage can be way more difficult. Those delightful bed bugs we had/have threw us headlong into a Storming stage after only two weeks. Way. Too. Fast. The Storm has hit. But it's an awkward Storm because we are still a little bit in the Forming stage. It's like we feel the storm, we acknowledge it but we aren't really set to ride it through. And the other house of people? Still honeymooning. Which makes a storm even fouler when the people across the way are still in sunny skies. It's not to be jealous, but it's hard to remind yourself that they eventually will hit the storming part too. We are having too much difficulty looking at sunny skies that we left behind, not the ones that are in front of us.

What does such a storm look like? Well, it itches. And when everyone shares the intention to be open and honest with one another, it falls be the wayside in favor of passive aggression and carrying around frustration. Is this healthy? Probably not. But it's complicated. We aren't unconditional with one another. It's not like living with people you've been friends with, or with family.You can hash things out better with other people who you know care about you unconditionally. We have all been here four weeks. There is no promise that someone you disagree with wont be alienated by what you say. Even if it isn't in the very front of your mind, the insecurities of getting to know so many people take priority over effective communication, compassion, gentleness, and taking the risk of being open to community.

To be fair, community isn't all just difficult trying times. Open and beautiful conversations are still happening, they just tend to be more hidden in corners. There are still several hands that share in making food that is shared by even more hands. Today that food was taboule made from fresh parsley that we picked from our garden and beautiful tomatoes brought home from work. It also came in the form of homemade cinnamon caramel rolls made from the frozen dough we gleaned from the supermarket (They literally looked the same as if you pulled them out of a pilsbury can thingy). Later, it will be sushi as someone's boyfriend shows us all how to make sushi. We all still laugh over old school music (Aaliyah, O-Town, Avril Lavigne) hidden on our Ipods, but we still all remember the words. Praise God for these joys. My friend Kayde who I lived in community with at DePaul is coming to visit tonight on her way to California. I haven't seen her in almost a year. It will be a comfort to see her because not only did we live in community before, but we didn't see eye to eye on a number of issues. And I still love her dearly and am excited to see her. She is a very timely reminder to me that it can still be easy to love people that you have had plenty of conflict with.

Loving God, help me to remember that You have always been most present to me through those around me. Help me to trust that whether it be comfort or conflict that I encounter, You are there in it all.