I am a cisgendered heterosexual woman. I identify as a woman and was born biologically so, in a way most people I know would qualify as 'normal.' I also, however, identify as a woman of God. In particular I identify as a woman of the Catholic church. My mother helped intorduce to me the description of being 'faithful and participatory' in my faith, which I feel describes me well. But what it means for me to be a woman of God, in the Catholic church (in the United States) is becoming more of a conflict, more of a difficult choice each day.
I was raised as a cradle Catholic. I have always gone to Catholic school, from kindergarten, high school, college at DePaul Univeristy and now graduate school at Boston College. While it is definitely a part of my immediate and extended family, it is also something I took responsibility for fairly early on. While others in my Confirmation class were there to please their parents, I took seriously the idea of receiving the Holy Spirit and growing in my faith. I sought out faith community in high school and continued throughout college. I found that my faith nurtured a passion in me to be with and for others, to learn more, to seek where God was leading me. I have struggled in my growth, but now I find myself a Master of Divinity student seeking to focus on issues of reconciliation, justice and non violence. I fall short of my goals for who I want to be all the time, but I do try every day to grow in God's love. To say I have been blessed with supportive faith communities is an understatement. I continually am surrounded by people who call me to be a better person, to be a better woman of God.
What being a woman of God has meant to me has changed somewhat since coming to Boston College. I have always supported women's ordination, without much question. It never made sense to me, but it was also never a huge issue in the places I have been. Until I came to Boston. I had no idea I would be stepping into a world where this issue blossomed into action, where opinions and positions on the issue would directly affect people's lives. While some of the professors at my school support women's ordination to varying degrees, I learned that one of them had the courage to speak out. Another student told me he was not saying Mass until women could be ordained. I paused and finally realized that I had never seen him say Mass at school. We had lots of professors and some students saying Mass all the time, but never him. My heart tugged, feeling both joy and sorrow for the sacrifice he was making on my behalf, on the behalf of so many. I heard bits and pieces here and there about the letter he had written to Cardinal O'Malley regarding questions about women's ordination. When I finally was able to read a copy of it online, the biggest thing that struck me was that while he was asking for better answers for questions regarding women's ordination, he was not asking for himself but for his students. He wants more for his students. I was so moved by his gentleness and love. In the midst of all of this, it was learned that his contract with the school would not be renewed. He was adjunct faculty and his position was being made into one with a tenure track. There has been much speculation, and no formal affirmation of this claim, but many believe that his position on women's ordination and letter to the Cardinal did not sit so well with certain folks in charge. I personally do not bear a grudge against the school and understand that our dean is under pressure from many people, but it was difficult to absorb in any positive way. It begged so many questions, ones I heard from some of my classmates as well: "Why am I staying in this Church that doesn't seem to value me? Why is my genetic make-up, the way God created me, a reason to silence my voice and diminish my capacities in my church? Wasn't I made in God's image too?"
During fall semester, I actually had the opportunity to attend a Mass with a woman priest at Harvard. I was actually a bit nervous on the way. While I didn't question women's right to be ordained, I realized I had never been to a Mass with a woman priest and wasn't sure exactly how I might react. How new would this feel? Would it feel strange? Would it still feel like Mass? Would I question the Eucharist? I was just a touch uneasy throughout, right up until the Eucharistic prayer. I found myself feeling completely overwhelmed. Watching this woman and the faithful gathered around here, I have never felt so certain of my faith in the Eucharist than at that very moment. I was brought to tears in the realization that my faith, the church, the Eucharist- this is what it is supposed to be about. Inclusive faith communities celebrating the Body of Christ in all it's wonderful diversity and complexity. This is why I call myself Catholic. My heart felt like it couldn't hold any more, it was so full of love that evening. There is no doubt in my mind that God was present in the Mass that evening.
I realized that in all of the terrible things that have happened in the Catholic Church, everything that makes me angry and sad, what continues to call me back is the beauty of the Body of Christ, God's presence to me in each day, every time I am at Mass, and that there are still so many who are willing to call out to the Church asking for more, for better things. I am still able to see that there are beautiful people and community in my Church and that my faith is not determined by a patriarchy, and that there are those in that patriarchy who will speak up for me and others who are not heard. I become so concerned with the way my Church excludes me in many ways, but I stay because how much better am I should I choose to exclude in response? This has been my choice every day and it will continue to be so. I am an imperfect human in an imperfect Church. I hear so many negative things about the Catholic Church in the news that sometimes I have to sit down and actively remind myself of all the good there is. If I leave, I can't contribute my voice, I cannot help my Church become even better. There are many ways for one to be a woman of God, but I will continue to be the best woman of God that I can be and I will continue to do so in my Catholic Church.
