good intentions?

Here is a link to an address given by Ivan Illich to a group about to go on a 'mission trip': To Hell with Good Intentions. (Helpful to read before continuing with this post)

Essentially this address was presented to myself and my community almost word for word by a man we had not met before, and was presented as his own ideas. Several things were changed and adjusted to make it more directly applicable to our situation as full-time volunteers. A few people had heard it before, and I was not unfamiliar with the argument, having read an article where these ideas were applied as Illich originally intended, to 'mission trips'. I was not quite as taken aback. Some people were caught a little more off guard than others, and it definitely showed.

Not surprisingly, this launched all of us into a rather intense discussion. Some people were more emotionally reactive, and others were a little more contemplative in their responses. At times, people even walked out of the room out of frustration. Responses were all over the place. Most of us posed questions to the presenter to challenge what he was saying to us (that essentially we had no business being here and doing what we were doing, that our work is insulting and offensive to the poor).

I had trouble getting around the idea of staying in our own communities and how the term 'volunteer' actually applied to us when we were working alongside staff in our agencies with the same hours and similar responsibilities. I am not here (in CVV) to 'fix' anything or to 'save' anyone. At best, I can offer some help. I have been provided the resources to help tackle barriers that keep people in poverty, and do what I can to help provide those. Being able to provide $10.50 for a replacement ID or $70 for an expedited birth certificate can mean a whole lot. It's difficult to get a job or a place to live without a birth certificate. But I am merely offering a tool. I am not saying I can save anyone with this. Because I can't. I am simply a mediator between clients and funding because I happen to be a part of the Colorado ID Project and I can tell you off the cuff what you need for what states to get a birth certificate. When I am helping with food distribution I am merely the middle man between groceries that otherwise would be thrown away (literally, we get thousands of pounds of 'grocery rescue' each week) and people who wouldn't otherwise have access to fresh food (produce, bread).

A lot of us had difficulty grappling with the argument about not having a right to do what we were doing because we should stick to our own communities, especially in terms of leaving the 'poor' to help themselves. The varied backgrounds of CVVs makes it difficult to pigeon hole us into one category. Some people grew up as what some may consider 'poor' even if they wouldn't consider themselves that way. I know I didn't grow up anywhere near something that someone might consider 'poor.' But that doesn't mean that those who were given different or fewer opportunities than I can't ever be considered a part of my community. There is a huge housing complex going up across the street from my house that many of our client's will be moving into in the next month or so. I am not sure how there isn't a whole lot of gray area in that situation. Granted, we may not be over there every day becoming best friends with all of our clients. But I don't know what more you need to be considered 'neighbors.' We don't have a whole lot on our street, so they are all we really have in terms of neighbors and other people on the street. We may not be on a housing waiting list and in the same situations as our clients currently, but I think there is a great importance in crossing lines and growing together. Avoiding people because they are 'different' in some categorize-able way seems ridiculous to me. And judgmental. Community lines aren't always clear. Many of our clients have been well-to-do or 'middle class' for most of their lives but have found themselves in much more desperate situations as a result of the economy. Rich and poor are odd terms that mix and match more often than not. In our situation at CVV I think the lines are blurred and crazily drawn. We may not be a part of the communities we serve but we certainly aren't completely separate either.

I think the most difficult challenge that Illich's argument poses is how I consider myself and the work that I do. Do I pat myself on the back for being a 'do-gooder'? Do I present myself as a 'good person' to my family and friends? I think the argument poses a challenge of humility more than anything else. I am not better than the rich or the poor. I don't even necessarily know how to define the terms 'rich' and 'poor' anymore. I think that the work I do is important because it's made clear to me all the time by clients that no one wants to be 'poor' and to have to go and ask for help. And for many people being able to get an ID or actually have food that isn't canned, or to have just a few more cans of food means the rest of the week might be okay. I'm not solving anyones problems by a long shot. And I can't think highly of myself because I choose to work in a non-profit. I don't have to worry about paying bills, and even though I have little spending money, I have a huge house, my own room, and no worries that there will not be food in my fridge. By no means is my year of 'simplicity' a year of poverty. No cable or Internet for the year? Not poverty. I have heat. and a TV room with comfy couches. And a market that gives us free food once a week. Really, I am not giving up much at all this year. I think Illich has helped me remember that I am one simple person. I could truthfully be doing so much more than I am. Just because it looks 'difficult' and 'simple' in comparison to some other ways of life doesn't make me great and special. I just chose something more unconventional. That's all.

In the end they (the presenter and our staff members) revealed that this was an act, that the presenter didn't actually believe anything that he was saying to us. He was reading it as a way to present the argument to us. A lot of people were upset by the deception. They had felt personally attacked in several ways. I did not feel personally attacked and appreciated that different way of approaching the topic. I think it's important to be able to engage with someone instead of just reading an article where you may not be forced to really answer the challenge, whereas when a relationship is established, regardless of the nature of that relationship, the challenge is much more direct and difficult to ignore. I appreciated feeling like I really had to face the questions that were posed. What I didn't appreciate as much was that it seemed like that staff had expectations of our reactions. That is was 'good' that some of us got fired up. Why should we get fired up? What if we are truly struggling with the argument? It was presented to us with the staff intending us to think more about 'why we are here.' I couldn't help but thinking that it was the wrong question. Is my being here really about me? Is that the most important question I should be asking? Why is no one asking me what else I could do? Or how are my actions not necessarily ideal? It should not be about me and what I want and what I think all the time. My intentions and my needs seem to be prioritized over what should be asked of me by God and by the marginalized. I think it's important to reflect on my time and my intentions but it felt like the whole question just came back to me and what I wanted. I think that worrying about the specifics of my intentions is not what I need to worry about. Why are the poor here? Why is there is a need for so many agencies to provide help? Why is TANF not adhering to a 30-day processing period? I don't think it's just about your intentions but about what questions are being asked and why they're being asked.

christmas tiiime is heeere

Well, maybe Christmas time has arrived. As far as the calendar is concerned, Christmas is two weeks away. Yet the Colorado weather begs to differ. It has been in the fifties all week. I was heading from an outreach event back to the office on Wednesday and had to unbutton my coat and STILL I was sweating. Nothing like the cold and snow I have been hearing about (and pining for) from my loved ones in the Midwest. Two weeks 'til I'm back in my beloved Ohio. Less than. Bring on the snow!

My roommate works with Archdiocesan Housing here in Denver, and found someone to donate a Christmas tree to us! At first it did not seem like we would be getting a tree so I was feeling quite Grinch-y, but we all came together and had maybe a little TOO much fun putting it up together J

Putting together the tree was pretty great, I won't lie. Made our house feel much more homey. But all that Christmas spirit definitely started going to our heads just a little bit… And maybe we got just a little bit silly…

And then we decided that everyone needed to practice for The Nutcracker!

We discovered that among all the ornaments and such were a whole lot of bows. So some of them ended up on the tree, and some of them ended up on us!

Angela and I took this as a golden opportunity ot look as much like one of the Whos as possible!

But noy only did all of the girls have hair long enough for the bows, so did the boys!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AT COHO!

no place like home

This may officially be the longest I have ever been away from my family. Three months had been the longest before now. While I am currently just past the three month mark, I won't see my family again until past the four month mark.

For some, the reaction to this might be 'So what?' because not seeing family is just a part of life. But it has never really been a part of mine. I mean, in high school AP Gov clas I got confused a lot when my teacher yelled "Romer!" because sometimes it was to me, and sometimes it was to my cousin. I don't just have a lot of family, I have a lot of family that's around, and in each other's business. Sometimes the 'in each other's business' part is annoying, and sometimes it's wonderful. They have always been around and when it comes down to it, I really love the fact that I got to grow up that way. I meet so many clients who aren't on good terms with any relatives. I could ask any of mine for anything at any time and I would be so well taken care of. I know what a real gift a family like mine is.

This will be my first Thanksgiving away from home. It won't be a lonely Thanksgiving, for certain. Garrett will be here, and it will be spent with his family. I am lucky enough that his family has been incredibly good to me. I will still miss my Mommy's creamed spinach, Grandma G's sausage stuffing, Uncle Jed having his pie and then a plate of just whipped cream, and catching my Grandma' R in the kitchen eating leftover turkey right off the bone. And teaming up with my sister to pick on my Mom. And sitting at dinner for hours talking with my Dad. But not this year. And that's okay. I'm apparently becoming a real 'grown up' (I refuse to use the A word) and that means holidays away from home and family.

It isn't only holidays. I was jealous today because my parents were at the Browns game with my older brother. I miss just going to get dinner with my mom when no one else is at home and we're too tired to cook. I miss the option of going home for a weekend when something is going on, even something small. Small, selfish things, but I miss them nonetheless. The irony in all of this is the fact that I have no plans or even real desire to move back to Ohio. Or near Ohio. I moved away first chance I had, to Chicago. Then to Paris for a spell, and now to Denver. Next to Boston. Not really near Ohio. Not even in the midwest. And yet, here I am, pining away for home and my family. Maybe I need to work on a balance. Or detachment. Or just move home. I am still able to love my family from afar. And I know that if I wanted to come home my family would help me get there no matter what. I'm not a little kid and I can't just cry for my mom whenever I miss home a little bit. But sometimes I really do want to. I suppose it's mostly the pains of growing up (no A-word!) and having to prioritize. Graduate school that I love and will be very good to me has to come before football games and my favorite foods. Commitment to my boyfriend has to top an affinity for corn hole and seeing my parents all the time. I'll figure it out. Thanksgiving is just one day. And it's only four months.

Fall Fun with CoHo!

Every Wednesday is community night for us. Sometimes it's community meeting, or gender separation night. BUT! every fourth Wednesday is FUN NIGHT. Since it's almost Halloween we thought we'd enjoy a little pumpkin/apples festivities!!

Epic hand-picked apples for dipping in caramel/tasty toppings:

This picture makes me laugh :-)

We split up into pairs for pumpkin carving. We have two guest judges coming to announce winners. There are two categories:

1. Most Likely to Make You S**t Your Pants

2. Most Original

Serious concentration...

Clearly, very hard at work. I was busy too. Toasting pumpkin seeds, drinking cider, very difficult tasks and such. (The grey-hoodie man is my partner. I contributed, I swear)

What I would consider as being our only legitimate competition, done by Chris and Angela:

Seems like Shrek did a stint on Legends of the Hidden Temple.

Mine and Danny's creation:

I put work into it too, I swear. I cut out the chin part. and the pupils. And cleaned out all the insides. And approved the design.....

AAAAHHHHHHH!!!

(tee hee, sorry Chels!)

The final display:

Clearly, Danny and I win!!!!

Saying 'No'

Saying 'no' is hands down one of the hardest parts of my job. It's a two-letter, one-syllable word that makes life at work much more difficult.

"I have no way of getting home. Can you give me tokens?"

"I know it's almost close, but can I still get food?"

"Do you help with rental assistance?"

"My power is getting shut off. Can I get utility assistance?"

"Can't you make an exception this one time?"

These are all questions (or versions of questions) that I have had to answer by saying no. Do I want to? No. I want to say yes. I want to hand them enough tokens to get them home, to get to work, to get to the doctor. I want to give them extra food. I want to tell them they can go home without worrying if they will be able to turn the lights on when they get there. But I can't. Most of the time, I don't have it to give, or it would be making an exception that could come back to haunt me as others hear about it and want the same 'exceptions' made. Making exceptions doesn't help us to run efficiently and could end up hurting other clients if it keeps us from serving them as well.

Some questions I could easily say 'yes' to. I had a client on Monday who asked me for a can of tomatoes to make spaghetti with. I could have easily headed back to the pantry and gotten one can of tomatoes. No problem. However, this client was one I had seen the week before in a one on one appointment for a birth certificate. So we knew each other by name and he was not just a random client asking me for something. I also knew that he had received food the week before, and a few staff members had mentioned that a mistake had been made and he had received food more than once in a thirty day period, and we only permit clients to come once every thirty days. In this situation, I felt totally taken advantage of. I was irritated. It was all I could do to not make some rude remark. I calmly explained that canned tomatoes are a very in-demand item for our clients and that they are also something that we don't received in large quantities and are expensive to purchase, even for us (there are many items we can purchase at 10 cents/pound). He was less than happy with me.

It was one of those awkward moments where I felt okay saying no, because I knew that I wouldn't really be helping someone who legitimately needed something. Sometimes saying 'no' frequently helps to avoid the times when someone is trying to trick you into something. I have caught people lying outright about how they got to the office today because they want the tokens, even if they won't use them right away and have a car to drive home. I hate feeling like I've been fooled. I hate that I can't outrightly trust any one client because I never really know if someone is trying to trick me.

I just want to give everyone everything they are looking for. True, there are those who are making their rounds to agencies getting as much as they can, even dishonestly. But the majority of the people who come here are hurting. They get the run-around from so many places. They want answers and they want help but what we are able to give them is so conditional. Food, but only with an ID and proof of address. Utilities assistance, but call this day at this time and hope to God that you get through the line, but only after you apply for LEAP. Tokens, but only if you're getting food, and you have to come on this day for tokens to the doctors or to work, but only 5 fares. There are so many 'no's and so many 'if's. I feel like a broken record. When I turn someone away who have had their lights shut off, what are they going to do? Go home and sit in the dark? I can stop thinking about it once they walk out the door, because I get to go home to my house where my bills are paid each month and I will have a fridge full of food. Easy for me to say 'no' because I don't have a whole lot of people telling me 'no.' I have had a life of 'yes.' Everyone who gets to hear 'yes' all the time makes up most of the population of people who have to say 'no.'

I blame the visitor

So I have been away from the blog for awhile. I will blame Garrett. Granted he didn't come to Denver until Oct. 13th, but I will still blame him for my laziness with updating my blog. Being here for ten days has provided opportunities for some fun outings around Denver. We went with Garrett's sister and her family up to Idaho Springs one Saturday for some fall scenery and delicious Beau Jo's Pizza!

We also discovered a crazy giant pumpkin wheel located next to a pretty waterfall???

We lucked out with some free tickets to an Avalanche game! It was my first hockey game ever and it was awesome!!

Pretty good seats, eh? Definitely a perk of working at a non-profit.

Not only was there a giant Chipotle burrito blimp floating around dropping the occasional gift card, but at one point hey just threw burritos into the crowd!! Sadly, we did not receive any free Chipotle :-(

We actually managed to find time to have an actual date! And also found ourselves with the coolest seating in the house:

And massive amounts of food. And 25 cent New Belgium beers (not kidding).

We got to take a little field trip up to the pumpkin patch to see some more of Garrett's family.

And saw this little pony. Looks cute, right? There was a helpful little sign nearby: "Horse Bites."

There was a handy little straw maze that anyone over 4ft could see over...

...but plenty of little kids couldn't!!

And there was this supercool old-school train tractor thing. And it definitely still worked!

As a great way to begin to bring our weekend to a close, we decided that even though the Avalanche game left us without Chipotle, we'd go get some at the very first Chipotle ever!

burning

Last week we had a staff day away. It was a wonderful break, and a wonderful chance for all the staff (most of us having joined within the last year) to get to know each other better. It was incredibly encouraging and reaffirming to see that the people are work with are committed and passionate, yet still realistic about a lot of the difficulties of working in such a field. At one point it was mentioned that the average time one spends working in non-profits is about 2 years. If I last this year (which I will) I am halfway to average. That's so crazy to me. Two years??? But when I spend a lot more time thinking about it, it begins to make more sense.

I love my job. I really do. I love my coworkers, I love (most) of our volunteers, and (many of) our clients. Most clients aren't problematic. But then you do have some who can just make your day more difficult. I never really know how people will react when I tell them that we are out of funding for bus fares until the first of October, or that calling in over and over and over with no result on Tuesday afternoons is the only way to get an appointment for utilities assistance. Even when clients react angrily, curse at me, blame me (or my other coworkers) I still can't do anything and I still have to say no. I imagine that the saying no and being able to do nothing is the most exhausting part of most non-profits. I had to tell a client over the phone that unfortunately she is no longer welcome at Metro CareRing. Part of me felt slightly relieved that she wouldn't be coming back, because she was a real handful and incredibly difficult to reason with. Part of me felt that even though no one else in Denver in the past six years has seemed to be able to help her, saying no to her wasn't the right thing to do. Balance is difficult to maintain. We want to be able to help as many people as possible, but we have to be consistent in order to maintain what we do.

When my thoughts head in this direction, the two year average makes more sense. But that two year average is something I am afraid of. I had heard before that various vocations can lead to burning out quickly. I know human beings are only capable of so much, but I want to believe so deeply that I am capable of more. I want to burn brighter instead of burning out. All of my thoughts on this, and the reminder of the difficulty of what I am doing and may be doing in the future, has strengthened my intent to go to Boston College next year and to get as much out of my year in Denver as possible. I have four years to work as much as I can on fueling my own fire and the fires of those around me. Many people know that law school has been a floating possibility for me. I have had several people suggest a dual degree program, an MDiv/JD. While in terms of not being in school forever that is extremely appealing, my fear of burning out pushes me to wait. I want to spend 3 years focusing on WHY it is that I would go into law and not just do it to get it done. I want to strengthen my resolve as much as possible. Maybe it won't be law school in the end, but I can still develop my understanding of my vocation and my understanding of doing God's work (whatever that may be). Being here in Denver and being a part of my communities at CVV and Metro CareRing have reassured me that more than anything else I need to surround myself with people who are dedicated, passionate and want to keep on burning.

My name means 'light.' My mother bought me a necklace when I was young that said "shining one" on it, along with my name. Funny enough, the image of light and burning has become a very consistent part of my spirituality. Maybe by pure chance I was given a name that reflects a calling to continue to burn brighter and to continue to shine.

before you were formed in the womb I knew you, before you born I consecrated, made you for a sacred purpose -jeremiah 1:5

summoned

The past few weeks have involved a little bit of church hopping. Being in a new place means finding your place, and part of that journey for me involves finding a church that doesn't make me feel awkward and unfamiliar. The experience of worship is different for every person, so finding worship that feels like home can be tricky. This morning I biked down to St. Elizabeth of Hungary with a roommate to try out the Mass there. My prayer mom is a parishioner there as are the directors of CVV. Without going into detail, I will say that I liked it a lot and would be very happy going back.

One of the songs that they chose for Mass today was "The Summons." This song was a big part of my life that last time that I lived in community when I was a sophomore at DePaul. Every time I hear it, the lyrics challenge me. I can't just listen to it and sing my way through it without pausing at various parts of the song to contemplate a little bit. The song is made up almost entirely of questions, and honestly answering each of those questions is not always easy. I thought I might share a few of my reflections on this here.

"Will you risk the hostile stare should your life attract or scare?"

I keep hearing that what I am doing is 'counter-cultural.' That is a nice way of saying 'a lot of people are going to think that what you're doing (ie CVV) is weird.' Which is not always the easiest thing to deal with. Even when I started living in community back at DePaul, my family had a lot of questions about what I was doing. The word 'commune' was thrown around more than once, and even more common than that was 'convent.' Clearly, having faith-based convictions means that you are going into religious life and you automatically fit into a stereotype of someone who never does anything wrong because they have an active faith life. There are times when I wonder whether or not there are people who would be more comfortable if I actually did fit their stereotypes instead of what it actually means for me. Following my faith into a year of 'service' in Denver is not any indication that I have anything figured out and that I am 100% steadfast in my faith or that I have the answers when it comes to questions of injustice. If anything, I am just filled with more and more questions. Why are so many people hungry? Why am I not more uncomfortable with that fact that my lifestyle is not challenging? Why is it so many people don't have the resources to even pay rent? Why is it so easy for me to just judge al of the clients I meet at work? I would swear that so many of those questions just sit on top of my skin and are visible to everyone around me. I can't pretend that this isn't the way my life works. I have been at a bar or some other social place and been asked what I do. "A year of volunteering, kind of like AmeriCorps' gets the least reaction. "Living in community where everyone is involved in direct service and the program has a strong formation component" gets odd reactions and prevents people from inquiring further, most of the time. It's not so much a hostile stare as it is an awkward stare. Mentioning going to school for my MDiv? Instant conversation killer. Luckily, I am not too concerned with making friends in bars. I have been beyond blessed with the people in my life. My family is supportive (not always on the same page, but supportive). My friends and my boyfriend are so good to me it's unreal. And I am coming home to a community every night that may be in conflict, but we are all in the same boat. But leaving my community or those around me who know me and aren't afraid of me and my choices is always a scary reality. I am always risking a hostile stare. I have received them on several occasions. But I keep making my choices based on faith, as best as I can. I still make poor choices, but I am not going to head in a new direction any time soon. All the hostile stares in the world don't make up for the fact that I keep getting to come home to people who love me and my choices.

"Will you kiss the leper clean and do such as this unseen?"

This is definitely a part that I struggle a little bit more with. Lepers are the one of the ultimate marginalized communities. They were put on entire islands so that no one else had to be near them. I have heard the word 'marginalized' a lot. Layman's terms: groups people that the are generally ignored, judged, and dismissed.

To kiss someone clean? How beautifully intimate an image. It is the intimate interactions that have the greatest power to heal and to convey love and compassion. To draw near to another person who is shunned by so many others? Lovely. Human beings are made for relationships, designed to touch and be touched. If you are a marginalized person, how often are you hugged, let alone even touched briefly, say on the arm? How many physical touches are received by marginalized people that are not in violence? Touch is so powerful. It can take or give life. It can both comfort and wound. The entire surface of our bodies are intended to facilitate touch. And yet so often so choose to stay in our own bubbles, and not share kind touches.

This all presents a great struggle to me because I generally speaking do not have issues in expressing physical affection. Anyone who knows me well knows that going for long periods of time (say, 10 minutes?) without some kind of physical affection makes me uncomfortable. My discomfort with all of this is: How do you take an action such as reaching out with physical compassion, and when its met by the great discomfort of others, not turn it into a situation of receiving some kind of affirmation for it? How does one continue in 'service' and not ever have a moment of wanting some kind of attention for it? It's not even necessarily an active thought. "Oh, if I do ___________ people will think I'm a really good person." I suppose it may be more so asking the question "Does doing this really make me a good person?" and looking for someone else to provide an affirmative response. Not necessarily a question that is always asked out loud. There is still often a need that I have to be affirmed in my choices and my decisions. A need to be seen, to some degree. How much more would my decisions mean if no one knew about them? If I proceeded silently in my choices? What is the real reason for sharing my life out loud, and what is the real motivation when I stay silent? I don't believe I am some kind of terrible person. But I have to be honest and admit that if asked to touch a leper, let alone kiss them, I have absolutely no idea what I would do.

fish??

Participating in simple living can very often mean not going out and finding other ways to occupy one's time. Fortunately, it can mean learning a lot of new things. This weekend we were lucky enough to be able to learn out to make our own sushi!!!!

Lots of yummy yummy shrimp waiting to be made into yummy yummy sushi...

One of the CVVs Haley has quite the fella for a boyfriend. Clayton lives in Denver and was kind enough to come over and bring all the goodies (we chipped in to pay him back) and share his sushi-making skills!

Lianne is making sushi with shrimp, cream cheese, and bell peppers. Tip: freezing the cream cheese makes it easier to work with.

Captivated, obviously...

Since I am clearly not the sit back and watch type, I jumped in as soon as I could. I decided to go with salmon, scallions, cucumber and some crunchy tempura (because who doesn't love crunchy stuff??)

I decided to go with the avocado on top, just for fun!

Here is the final product!! Mine is snugly set next to Heidi's creation (which involved some delicious sriracha aioli). Tip: When you are putting something on top (fish, avocado, etc), wrap the roll in saran wrap and then cut it to help get a cleaner cut

Tom is not a sushi eater. So while we all had a blast making our own sushi, he had a blast watching us while eating a PB&J!!

In order that he not be left out, we decided to make him some PB&J sushi style:

Here is the WONDERFUL chef who taught us so well and his lovely lady!!!

THANKS CLAYTON AND HALEY!!

root root root for the Rooooockies!

There can be a lot of upsides to working at a non-profit agency. One of them being that occasionally free stuff comes along. This time, free stuff came along in the form of Rockies tickets!!!Apparently every time there is a home run... FOUNTAINS!! I think there should be fountains at more special events. Fountains are pretty special.

Even with a meager monthly stipend, getting ballpark food is totally worth. Footlong brat with sauerkraut peppers and onions? I'll give you my whole stipend.

It cracks me up that you can see the Rockies when you're watching the Rockies! As much as I deeply deeply love Ohio sports, we don't have a mountain view from any of our stadiums (just corn).